Through the Eyes of a Survivor:
Inadvertent Gaslighting
Written by a Survivor
Gaslighting refers to a process in which one individual is trying to make another person question their own reality and making them feel crazy through psychological manipulation. I experienced gaslighting by my husband during our marriage. For example, after many years of strife in our marriage, he agreed to go to couples counseling with me. We attended several sessions together where he played the dutiful husband who was there to participate and hopefully make things better. It was bewildering to know what he was like behind closed doors and then watch his changed demeanor in counseling sessions. It caused me to question my reality. Maybe I was wrong, maybe he was there for me, willing to do anything to make our marriage work, and I made all these problems up, or, worse, maybe I was the problem in our relationship. I was the crazy hysterical spouse (I think as he wanted me to look), and he was there to help me, which made him look good. While I experienced this and other kinds of gaslighting from my husband (now ex-husband) who displayed psychopathic traits during our marriage, something that is perhaps as devastating is what I would call “inadvertent gaslighting.”
Inadvertent gaslighting is gaslighting carried out by people unknowingly and is unintended. Inadvertent gaslighting can have the same outcome as intentional gaslighting, in which the victim questions their perceptions of reality. I began to experience inadvertent gaslighting during my divorce when I confided in my family and friends about my situation and by some people that were assisting me in ending the marriage. Some of what I shared with family, friends and attorneys was inadvertently minimized, denied, ignored, and I was even blamed for the situation I found myself in.
Inadvertent Gaslighting Examples
Minimizing
One friend minimized the severity of my situation, not being able to reconcile their perception of my ex with my descriptions of his behaviors behind closed doors, let alone my labeling him a psychopath. One day, during the divorce process, after explaining to this friend (who knew both of us well) what my ex had been doing to me for years and that I thought he had psychopathy, they said, “There must be something wrong with him, but he can’t be a psychopath!” I also had similar reactions from family members who knew him well. The pushback that I received from some family and friends was a bit surprising to me, and it made me wonder if my perceptions of my ex were skewed.
Denying
One friend denied that the personality disorder of psychopathy exists. After much confiding in this friend about my situation including that I thought that my ex-husband’s behaviors were consistent with descriptions of psychopathy, I was told that everyone is born knowing right from wrong and, if they don’t, they have a seared conscience due to sinning. This made me question if psychopathy is a real disorder.
Through the Eyes of a Survivor:
Finding Hope in Research: Connecting Research in Psychopathy to My Life
Written by Alison
Early in life I felt like an outsider, unable to make friends and have the closeness I saw between other people. Why not for me? I couldn’t understand why and didn’t know what to do about it.
For decades I grieved and tried to deal with the loss of so many friends who really mattered to me; the efforts I made for my friendships and much of what I was building in my life would suddenly crumble, and I felt helpless. My parents offered no personal support and little recognition, and I felt like a balloon with feet, having to bounce back after every failed effort.
Although I blamed myself for these personal losses, I was able to reach a high level of education in early adult years and needed to understand why I could accomplish this while remaining unable to function without fear in my personal life.
Going to counseling helped to reassure me of my abilities and of my value, but it didn’t point to the problem. During my studies in psychology (1980’s) I had not encountered courses which clarified the complex syndrome of psychopathy. This disorder was listed with other “personality disorders” and I couldn’t see the immediate relevance to my situation.
Eventually, by chance in 2010, I encountered Without Conscience and Snakes in Suits at a community public library. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but as I began reading through the more salient features and key traits of persons known to have psychopathy, I was surprised and went out and bought these books. I began highlighting, underlining, and bookmarking pages. I wrote the initials of those who had hurt me in the margins, and gradually realized that almost all of the traits fit someone who was omnipresent in my life. ……. My mother!
Written by a Survivor
Lying to Others
I don’t really remember exactly when I caught my ex-husband’s first lie, but I do remember as time went on and I got to know him better I noticed that from time to time he would exaggerate when telling stories (if the fish was one foot long it must have been two feet long). He would also occasionally tell a truthful story but then include items that were an all-out lie (if he visited one city in a state that allowed him to say he had visited any other city in that state). It appeared to me that some of the lying he did was to make himself look better, such as telling people that he owned part of a business when he did not (a complete lie).
In the beginning of our marriage, I would try to gently correct the discrepancies right away when I noticed them, and I made up excuses in my mind to deal with his inaccurate storytelling to others such as maybe he forgot the story details or was tired and made a mistake. Surely, he was not doing this on purpose, I thought at first, but as he continued I thought different. Later in our marriage, not wanting to get into an argument with my ex-husband about his lying, I would become embarrassed and walk away from conversations. From seeing how often he lied, I had learned to not believe anything he said if I could not verify it by other means, especially if what he said seemed too good to be true.
Probably only a victim of a psychopath is able to fully understand this post. Those who have never experienced this kind of addiction will likely see nothing more than words. But these are not hollow words.
This is a perspective of one survivor; the following text describes only my feelings. It is crucial to remember that everyone can have different feelings, and my methods do not have to be effective for everyone. I do not claim that we all feel the same way. I only want to share my experience.
Being addicted to a psychopath was a real nightmare for me. That addiction was no different from the other types of addictions. Today when I remember how I felt in the past I compare it to a heroin addiction because it was very strong and devastating.
The relationship with a psychopathic individual at the beginning was wonderful, perfect, like in a fairytale. He did not leave my side, he was around all the time, and when he was away he was sending me messages or calling me. I felt him in everything. I was surrounded by him all day and all night. I fell asleep thinking about him and I woke up thinking about him. He was waking me up with a text message, we used to spend all of the days together, and when I was falling asleep he was next to me. From the first day I met him, I didn’t have either time nor space for others. He was my entire world. The world was only him and me, the two of us, lovebirds, soul mates, made for each other.
Probably only a victim of a psychopath is able to fully understand this post. Those who have never experienced this kind of suffering will likely see nothing more than words. But these are not hollow words.
This is a perspective of one survivor; the following text describes only my feelings. It is crucial to remember that everyone can have different feelings, and my methods do not have to be effective for everyone. I do not claim that we all feel the same way. I only want to share my experience.
My suffering as a victim of a psychopath was enormous. That suffering ripped my soul into a million little pieces. What it mainly consisted in was getting up when I actually haven’t moved an inch; gathering my whole energy and what’s left of my strength to keep on going like nothing’s happened; being alive when I was emotionally dead; losing hope in a better tomorrow. I named it ‘the death of the soul’ which in fact is a feeling of loss of your sense of identity.
This kind of suffering was for me a mixture of depression, complex post traumatic stress disorder (cPTSD) and addiction. Probably the longer the relationship with psychopathic personality lasted, the stronger the attachment to the abuser is. Any attempts to break free from him were another unimaginable dose of pain. That’s all I felt. I do not want to minimize any of that. I suffered a lot.
Probably only a victim of a psychopath is able to fully understand this post. Those who have never experienced this kind of anger will likely see nothing more than words. But these are not hollow words.
This is a perspective of one survivor; the following text describes only my feelings. It is crucial to remember that everyone can have different feelings, and my methods do not have to be effective for everyone. I do not claim that we all feel the same way. I only want to share my experience.
Anger. It is one of the most important topics I would like to write about. Why? It’s because I want to explain what impact a toxic relationship with a psychopathic person can have on one empathic and calm victim and/or survivor like I was in the past.
Before I met my P (psychopath) I was a very patient, calm, peaceful person with lots of understanding and love for others. As an empath I wouldn’t even harm a fly and I hardly ever was angry with anyone. You can imagine a woman in a white dress with a flower crown on her hair walking slowly through a meadow. I loved nature, animals, flowers, and people because I trusted them. I thought the world is like me: good.
