Probably only a victim of a psychopath is able to fully understand this post. Those who have never experienced this kind of anger will likely see nothing more than words. But these are not hollow words.
This is a perspective of one survivor; the following text describes only my feelings. It is crucial to remember that everyone can have different feelings, and my methods do not have to be effective for everyone. I do not claim that we all feel the same way. I only want to share my experience.
Anger. It is one of the most important topics I would like to write about. Why? It’s because I want to explain what impact a toxic relationship with a psychopathic person can have on one empathic and calm victim and/or survivor like I was in the past.
Before I met my P (psychopath) I was a very patient, calm, peaceful person with lots of understanding and love for others. As an empath I wouldn’t even harm a fly and I hardly ever was angry with anyone. You can imagine a woman in a white dress with a flower crown on her hair walking slowly through a meadow. I loved nature, animals, flowers, and people because I trusted them. I thought the world is like me: good.
My relationship with P was a real nightmare, it was toxic and harmful. He was hurting me a lot. As you probably know life with a psychopathic individual is full of chronic stress that usually leads to depression, trauma, fear, and also anger for me.
I experienced three types of anger:
- Anger at my P, because he was cruel and manipulative
- Anger at myself; I was angry with me because I believed everything bad is my fault
- Anger at other people because they didn’t believe me when I begged for help, they didn’t listen to me, and their secondary victimization of me worsened over time
Anger was a strong emotion especially when I suffered from complex post-traumatic stress disorder (or c-PTSD). When I tried to explain to someone that I was a victim of a real psychopath, and that person wouldn’t believe me, I felt angry. When I tried to break free from my psychopath, but I couldn’t, I felt angry. When I was talking with someone, and that person didn’t respect my borders, I felt angry. That anger was connected with my brain reactions because research suggests that victims’ brains are changed for some time in the aftermath of traumatic violence. I was bursting into emotions, I was crying a lot, and I felt hopeless and tired of never-ending struggle in my life.
The most helpful thing for me was time. Eventually, I started controlling my emotions and anger. I stopped reacting emotionally when someone didn’t believe me. Of course it wasn’t easy but I did it. And if you struggle with similar feelings now, I believe you will also be able to cope with it. Don’t give up, Survivor!
Written by a Survivor
