Probably only a victim of a psychopath is able to fully understand this post. Those who have never experienced this kind of addiction will likely see nothing more than words. But these are not hollow words.
This is a perspective of one survivor; the following text describes only my feelings. It is crucial to remember that everyone can have different feelings, and my methods do not have to be effective for everyone. I do not claim that we all feel the same way. I only want to share my experience.
Being addicted to a psychopath was a real nightmare for me. That addiction was no different from the other types of addictions. Today when I remember how I felt in the past I compare it to a heroin addiction because it was very strong and devastating.
The relationship with a psychopathic individual at the beginning was wonderful, perfect, like in a fairytale. He did not leave my side, he was around all the time, and when he was away he was sending me messages or calling me. I felt him in everything. I was surrounded by him all day and all night. I fell asleep thinking about him and I woke up thinking about him. He was waking me up with a text message, we used to spend all of the days together, and when I was falling asleep he was next to me. From the first day I met him, I didn’t have either time nor space for others. He was my entire world. The world was only him and me, the two of us, lovebirds, soul mates, made for each other.
I was addicted to him. I couldn’t live without him. And then the day came when after a very long period of everyday contact he stopped contacting me, he lost interest in me, and he hadn’t got time for me anymore. I was shocked, because I had gotten used to the love-bombing he had served me. I needed him, and I missed him so much. I felt a little better only when he was close to me, and I compare that feeling to hitting a vein like a drug addict: you’re feeling better for a moment but after that you’re crying for dope again.
I curled up in pain, and it’s all about him. During the relationship he made me the happiest person in the world, and he did it on purpose. He attached myself to himself in a toxic and false way. And that’s why my first attempts of breaking free from him ended in failure – I couldn’t live without him and I was pining over him.
Eventually I realized that there’s no difference between my addiction to a psychopath and a heroin addiction. Looking back, now I think my love and longing for him were not real because a psychopathic individual had me addicted to him. I started treating myself as someone who is strongly addicted to someone else. And that helped me to get my addiction under control. I had to explain to myself that every time when I broke the No Contact rule it was similar to taking drugs. I broke the rule many times and I reestablished contact with him repeatedly, but every time I felt worse afterwards, and I moved away from recovering. I had to accept that even the smallest contact was hurting me, and I was not strong enough to handle it. Detox was my only option to choose. Cutting myself off from him, blocking him, avoiding the places I could meet him seemed like the only choice to survive. And of course I suffered a lot, I couldn’t trust myself at that time. But I wasn’t consistent because I was breaking my own rules and values. And these behaviors didn’t help me at all, my own choices were destroying me more and more.
I believe it might be a good advice to those who could feel addicted to a person with psychopathic traits: it may be helpful to treat yourself like a person who is addicted to a psychopath so as to be more empathetic and tolerant to oneself. In my opinion what we call ‘missing the abuser’ is actually another way of talking about a strong addiction. And you’re able to survive, but you need a lot of time, patience, and working on yourself.
Written by a Survivor
