Probably only a victim of a psychopath is able to fully understand this post. Those who have never experienced this kind of suffering will likely see nothing more than words. But these are not hollow words.
This is a perspective of one survivor; the following text describes only my feelings. It is crucial to remember that everyone can have different feelings, and my methods do not have to be effective for everyone. I do not claim that we all feel the same way. I only want to share my experience.
My suffering as a victim of a psychopath was enormous. That suffering ripped my soul into a million little pieces. What it mainly consisted in was getting up when I actually haven’t moved an inch; gathering my whole energy and what’s left of my strength to keep on going like nothing’s happened; being alive when I was emotionally dead; losing hope in a better tomorrow. I named it ‘the death of the soul’ which in fact is a feeling of loss of your sense of identity.
This kind of suffering was for me a mixture of depression, complex post traumatic stress disorder (cPTSD) and addiction. Probably the longer the relationship with psychopathic personality lasted, the stronger the attachment to the abuser is. Any attempts to break free from him were another unimaginable dose of pain. That’s all I felt. I do not want to minimize any of that. I suffered a lot.
It seems to me that the difficulty in cutting oneself off from a psychopathic individual stems from the way in which the victim is embattled and addicted to the abuser. Many people think that domestic violence is evident and overt, but when you’re in a relationship with a dysfunctional individual it’s not that obvious. Everything that is done by an abuser is covert, inconspicuous, hidden and disguised, and, most importantly, abusive behaviors are dosed, and pathological behaviors are mixed with healthy ones. Every time after an outbreak of violence a psychopath puts on a mask of sanity, he is good or evil in turns, and that makes the victim believe her loved one is lost, and she must help him.
Suffering results from a psychopathic individual’s manipulation, exploitation, gaslighting, and the fact that he will never change, and he pushes the victim’s boundaries over time, making her mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally devastated, which is so traumatic that it can take years to recover. Above all, do not lose hope. Time heals all wounds.
I suffered during the relationship and even when I broke free (and we’re not talking about normal breakup but running like hell and never looking back) that suffering was not healed for a long time. I believe that suffering during the relationship with a psychopath manifests itself in mental disappearing, losing oneself and very slowly dying alongside a man lacking empathy and remorse. Suffering following a breakup is associated with the activation of a strong addiction response, similar to heroin addiction.
When it comes to the suffering I think it’s not a good idea to pretend it never happened. Memories, especially traumatic ones, stay in our mind and can come to the fore at the least expected time. I experienced that many times. Effectively processing this pain is the best way to deal with its burden. This means good therapy focused on working with the victim or survivor of psychopathic abuse. I think that learning to live with the past is another matter. Recurrent traumas, flashbacks, nightmares can last for a long time. If you want to stop them it is perhaps not worth fighting them. You need to understand them, forgive yourself, and find your way to accept your past. A good way to achieve it is to change your approach – painful memories can bring back pain from the past, and flashbacks are so real that you may feel like it is happening right here, right now, despite the fact it happened a long time ago. Rather than letting it consume you, you could take some deep breaths, and then distance yourself from the pain and keep telling yourself: I am safe now. Clinging onto the hope that hiding your traumas inside yourself, blocking them out, and pretending nothing happened will make them go away can one day result in your mental dam bursting, which in turn might engulf your soul with long-accumulated, unprocessed pain which has to find release sooner or later.
Written by a Survivor
