Aftermath: Surviving Psychopathy Foundation

Hi,

I was reading about psychopathic tells, mainly three of them:

1) they themselves will tell you that they are "bad" and "crazy" (but we don't believe them)
2) they will strongly condemn some immoral or bad behavior of other people, while in fact it is exactly the behavior that they are indulging in
3) they say that they will/would never do anything to harm you (while, in fact, it is the opposite)

I found this to be true in my experience, but I am wondering how literal are they?
For example, the P I knew joked, or gave clues on a few occasions about how he is a pedophile. And in retrospect I can remember many things and situations that in fact indicated that he indeed is a pedophile. And yet, I couldn't tell if this is a fantasy he has of himself, or if he indeed is a pedophile.

Also, he mentioned one time, quite out of the blue, a story of someone who was said to have murdered someone else, and he commented saying "imagine if you murdered someone and have to live with that all your life?" He was very attentive to my reaction when he said that.

And actually, I always had a very strong gut instinct that he murdered someone (I never mentioned this to him), even before I knew he was a psychopath (and back then I assumed he had remorse for it). But I am confused because I don't know whether they sometimes want to present themselves or things that they did worse than they really are, or if they are just telling us how things really are.

I remember he once also said about himself that he had all this wasted potential. How he could've been famous, and then he added - or at least notorious.

I do know that he enjoyed being seen as the "bad guy", especially if the person cannot do anything about it (if he feels that this would damage him, he would cover it up), so I don't know if these are all fantasies he indulged in, or actual things he did and was telling me about them through the tells.

I do suspect it is the latter.

I'm new to the membership, and certainly I'm not a professional or expert. It's only been about a year since I've come to learn that psychopathy runs in my family, and that I have had many adult relationships with Cluster Bs. I wanted to respond here to say that in my experience (based on both familial relationships and one very intense romantic relationship), psychopaths DO give themselves away. It's almost like they enjoy letting you know how manipulative they are, and I suspect they get a kick out of coming right out and telling you, only to watch you not really understand what they're admitting to.

For example, very early on in the romantic relationship, my psychopathic boyfriend showed up to my house drunk, aggressive, and emotionally abusive. I told him that we should just call it a night and talk in the morning. In response he very angrily accused me of hating men, trying to take advantage of him, wanting to control him--all of which were simply not true. He ended up storming out a little later, which really upset me because he didn't care that he had already driven to my house drunk and then took off driving drunk again. The next day I wrote him an email telling him that his words and his actions really hurt. His response was:

>>>"Ok, first off, I'm really sorry if I'm making you feel bad in any way. That truly is 100% not what I'm trying to do. I really like you and I really care about you. The last thing I ever want to do is make you cry. I'm sorry I'm difficult. None of the things are an attack on you. I have a tendency to throw a wrench in things and see how everyone responds, me included. Please don't take it personal. It's all just a "what if"."<<<

That response was so telling. He was basically admitting to how he tests and assesses people in order to manipulate them. Months later, in a moment of rage, he smugly admitted, "I play me a lot of games. It doesn't take me long to figure out exactly what I need to take from you to get you to do exactly what I want." <-- That one I have recorded. The other one I have in a text message.

Similarly, I have a psychopathic family member (whom I used to be close with) who just loves to antagonize people on Facebook. I called him out on it one time, and asked why he criticized and cruelly belittled our mutual friend for expressing an opinion that I knew my family member shared. His response was to laugh and say, "Well yeah, of course I agree with him, but I have to put on that moral persona in public!"

"Moral persona." That right there told me everything I needed to know about this family member. His morality was simply a construct. And I later came to find out that this family member has a "secret" history of predatory sexual abuse.

In summary, I now pay very close attention to what people say about themselves... and I no longer assume that those really out there or off-color statements must be some kind of bad joke or self-deprecating humor. They are more than likely straight up confessions.

I experienced all three with the p ex-h when we first dated.

1) they themselves will tell you that they are "bad" and "crazy" (but we don't believe them)

P told me a story of former friends he ran into who responded with - "long time no care." - when he greeted them with "long time no see." P pretended to be a kind and gentle soul then. I reached the conclusion that he was being treated unfairly by fair weather friends. It drew me closer to him. Of course I saw the ugly truth a few years into the marriage.

2) they will strongly condemn some immoral or bad behavior of other people, while in fact it is exactly the behavior that they are indulging in

A man who worked with him (a temp, not a permanent employee) told a sob story about being robbed and needed money to pay the rent. P lent a few hundred dollars. The guy up and quit. P discovered the temp told this story to other colleagues and collected a lot of money. He was upset at the con artist but did not hold a grudge. I gathered again that p was a kind person to help a stranger and turn the other cheek.

After we were married, he started stealing money from me. He would abruptly leave jobs for reasons that made no sense. I realized then the con artist at work was actually him.

3) they say that they will/would never do anything to harm you (while, in fact, it is the opposite)

He cried when I told him stories about an adult family member abusing me as a child. He promised to defend me against anyone who would hurt me.

Once married, he perpetrated all the types of abuse there are - physical, financial, emotional and verbal. He terrorized me. It was a nightmare to divorce him.