Aftermath: Surviving Psychopathy Foundation

Hi, my name is Johnny. I have two questions, one dealing with multiple personalities the other deals with psychopathic knowledge of ones self.
My wife of 20 years is a P- it took me a long time to figure it out. Its not to mean that I didn’t Know something was seriously wrong. But three kids later and almost two decades she went through “menopause”. Now that everything was “accentuated”, I finally figured it out. I was no longer ”wrong” about everything.

In my opinion, my wife was able to be “successful” with her craft because she has a personality for most situations.
- Phone personality- When we first met, my wife and I spent an inordinate time talking on the phone to me (thanks to cell phones). Even though we may have been in a serious verbal fight, my wife still calls me everyday when she leaves her part-time job. She always talks in a loving and caring way.
- Away from Home Personality- This is her biggest personality. She shows off her made-up virtues and leaves people with the impression that she is the greatest thing since sliced bread. She tells people how we (the kids and I) are overly demanding of her.
- Death/sick personality- when someone dies or gets sick she becomes “virtuous” and caring (although she’s really not- but everyone thinks so.)
- Psycho personality- this comes out less often, but all rational reasoning is gone. Threats (for divorce- although it always a bluff-shed be doing me a favor. The only reason I don’t initiate a divorce is for financial and kid related reasons
- Pity Personality- This doesn’t work on me (anymore) but the kids tell me she cries and says no one loves her.
- Baby Holding Personality- This one is the most bizarre to me. During Holiday gatherings someone would invariable have a newborn baby. My P would first let her father hold the infant (he is known as the “baby hog” and I suspect him to be a P) and then give the baby to me to hold, al-the- while staring at me with a goofy smile.

My P can go from one personality to another in a split second. I think she’s a “Super P”

I know some say a psychopath does not know what they are, but since my father-in-law is a highly suspected P, and all her siblings have a very dark personality, I think she’s aware of her condition. I know she always had a special relationship wither her father. She has a BS in Psychology (I don’t believe in coincidences). Then there are the “psycho mantras” she’s always telling the kids- “don’t be mean’, “don’t be a bully”’, don’t lie (I remember an argument we had about white lies- she say’s “a lie is a lie”. When we first met, she always told me “you’re meanest to those you love most” (which she immediately denied to the psychologist we were going to for marriage counseling.)

A curios phenomena is the fact that I was constantly tested by the P as to my ability to take care of the kids if something happened. I know most parents do this too but this was different. I definitely got the impression that this was not about heart attacks or car accidents.

My questions are: Do all P’s have different (multiple) personalities? and Are some P’s aware of their condition- I believe mine does, but what does science say?

Hi Johnny,

I don't know what science says, but yes, this is my experience as well with the P I knew/know.

He would have different personas for different occasions. He would even have a different set of clothes for different situations. When he would play the "good, intelligent, sophisticated guy", kind of like the Away from Home that you mention, he would wear a light blue shirt.
I remember almost always seeing him in this light blue shirt in the beginning, it was odd, like he was a superhero or something. Then when I met him first time alone (I thought it was a friendly lunch, but soon realized it was a "date" for him), he wore a plain black T-shirt, he looked a bit "scruffy" and had a completely different "vibe" to him. It was like I was meeting with someone I never met before. I thought he was just presenting himself more honestly to me, that the other thing was something he presented socially, just to "fit in", but now I know that this was also a persona as well. That was his "bad boy", I am an alcoholic persona and it's also a fantasy.

He also had like you call it the Pity persona, how no-one understands him, cares about him, everyone hates him etc. and the Caring persona, when he would be so attentive of people in need. It never made sense, because so many times I could see that he couldn't care less not just about what other people felt, but also what other people thought of him, and he would be quite explicit in showing this.
I also saw him behave differently with different people even telling them completely different versions of events.

One of the most bizarre things was that we were corresponding by email for a few months before we met again. And when we met, it was as if the correspondence never happened. He never referred to anything we wrote about to each other and I almost had a feeling he felt "thank god that part is over". Again, it was just another "email persona" which disappeared when we met again in person.

I justified all this thinking that people are complex and act differently in different situations, but now I know better.

There is a theory that Ps do not really have any real identity, and it makes a lot of sense to me. All they do is fiction, like an actor would act in a movie. This P even sometimes said lines I heard in movies, or would try to recreate some scenes, sometimes even events he told me happened to him with his other girlfriends. It was very bizarre and had a very childish feeling to it. I really thought the whole time that he was a bit emotionally immature, which was confusing considering how good his insights could sometimes be in other people's emotions or behavior, as well as his own!

He also has a BS in psychology (the irony) and often gave/gives advice to other people. I know that he is quite aware on some level of what he is. I don't know if he knows that he is a psychopath, since I don't know if he knows what the term means, but he was definitely aware of the fact that he is narcissistic, he would mention it often. Also, he was/is very well aware of the whole Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde thing. It's almost like he indulges in it on purpose.

But he justifies all his problems and inconsistencies by the story about how he is depressed and a recovering alcoholic. I know that those are just masks too. How much he is aware of this, I am not sure. Because the problem is that they seem to believe to some degree all these personas they are playing. That is what makes it so convincing - they believe it so we believe it.
Also, they project on other people that everyone is IN FACT deeply messed up, and I think that they might in fact believe that normal human behavior and emotions are just masks that WE are putting on, so when they act these personas out it is possible they believe they are just acting normally, kind of, playing along with the scam that everyone else is putting on. They see the world through "role-playing" and the more they can get us into playing a certain role, the more they enjoy themselves. It's like they cast us to be a star in their movie.

He would also "test" me sometimes, trying to get me to comply to some ridiculous demands he had. I also never had a feeling it was really about these demands, but more to put me in a state of crisis, or just make me feel that I would never rise to these impossible standards that he had set. Also, to kind of tease out some "faults" in me, which were never even there. Again, just to role-play.

What worried me later is that he would often joke about how he is a pedophile, and I realized in retrospect that all his jokes were in fact something he was revealing about himself. But I could never understand whether these things were "really" true, or just something Ps would like us to think. I mean, they enjoy being "the bad" guy as well, giving us all these incomprehensible things and then watch us struggle with it.

Also, one time when I got to his house late at night, he said he was watching a documentary about serial killers. It was like he was mesmerized and he said, did you know that these killers said that killing people is almost like an orgasmic experience? Luckily, I didn't accept the conversation, but now I wonder was that an invitation for a "consent" for him to murder me? I was supposed to leave town that day, and I came back unexpectedly and he was the only one who knew it - it was quite an opportunity.

I don't know if this is a part of your experience, but I realized after some time, that he always asked for my "consent" when he harm me. Sometimes, the consent is just in not complaining, or being trusting.
Sometimes they are more direct in asking, and often we don't take them seriously. But they are always very "rational" about what they do and they will set up the situation in such a way that it looks as if you walked into it by yourself purposly. He did this all the time.

But I think one of the most confusing things is that there is a feeling and evidence that they know how and who they are, but at the same time that they are acting as if they were completely oblivious to what they are doing, as if they have this "innocence" to them. It's really like they are possessed by something.

Thank you so much for your response Alex.
After giving serious consideration to your theory on "acting"I agree that that is what it is. In my case, I have3 kids raised by this p (none of whom have any indication s of a personality disorder) and although there was/is plenty of verbal assaults against them, their mother (P) did "act" as a "good mother" so they do possess some good values( I know I'm grasping for straws here)
On another note, I have discovered that their are many acts/personalities, but the one personality always there is the true P that hardly comes out. This P knows (in my case anyway). This P choriographs all of the other acts and life events (alot she can't handle and either procrastinate s or delves it off to me or someone else)
The personality she has chosen (not the psycho) is very pleasant like she was raised by TV. Of course these personalities aren't too deep, so that is where problems happen. My P will not lie in her perfect world, but she will most convincingly lie if it gets threatened

Hi Johnny,

yes, often one of the masks that they put on is a "good", "caring", "just", "ethical", "considering" person. That is what makes things so confusing. Until you've seen more, it really appears that all of it is genuine so they seem like a very positive, ethical person and a good influence. If it weren't so, we probably wouldn't have gotten involved with them in the first place. All of it made me think for a long time that, despite all the strange and bad behavior, there must be something good in him, but that he is struggling with a lot of issues and therefore the bad traits that come out.
I would assume your kids don't know better and therefore look up to this "caring" persona, and if they are little, they believe it to be real. I guess, ironically, that is a good thing. But for the rest of us who have seen "the other side" it is disturbing. It is also why it is so problematic to explain to anyone what is really going on, if all they see is this mask.
This P I knew used to sponsor people in AA and give them advice. And sometimes I would listen to it and he would give very good advice. Often the words coming out of his mouth were compassionate, wise and insightful. Again, it's mind-boggling to know that it's just a show, and it's easy to comfort oneself trying to believe it is real. But as you said, it is all not too deep, and once you realize that - this is where doubt and confusion starts if you are still believing the persona. Back then I used to justified it by thinking that he just gets tired easily and needs a lot of rest to function (after all, all that he has been through in life! -as he told). But it all starts getting very inconsistent when observed for a longer period of time.

Yes, I also feel that the true P would come out rarely. But I also feel that this "true P" doesn't really have a personality. Like it is empty, without any identity, just blank, cold, staring from some space beyond. But yes, it knows what it is, and once the mask is on it is like a different person takes over. It used to scare the hell out of me, but every time I would see this true P without the mask, it is as if he would quickly switch on something, back to a mask, to reassure me it's all fine. There were only a few occasions where he didn't do it that quickly, and I believe it's because he wanted to freak me out. I feel they do get some kick out of showing their real face to certain people, if they feel they've caught you enough, and I guess this must be the place from which they coordinate everything like you said.

As for lying, he even told me once, very quickly after we first met, that he sometimes lies and doesn't even know he is lying. I found that very odd, but of course, dismissed it at the time. I know that he has no "axis of truth", so to speak. He will tell the truth for that situation where the persona is invested and be honest to the bone, but if the situation doesn't suit him anymore he will make up a whole other story, a different "truth" and version altogether, or deny anything took place at all.

Reading this is interesting - the P I encountered has made me believe that I am also part P - I have a phone personality (I feel this is because of jobs that I have had) I also feel I am typically a good actress especially if I need to be(I honestly find situations in life where I need to act fufilling) I remember telling him that - I can manipulate by acting to get my way but I am NOT a malicious person. I'm an overly nice person. The P I encountered makes me question if I have psychopathic traits - and I think it's something he instilled in me. But I know I am a good person. I also fear he has smeared my name around the office and people there believe that I am actually the P and that he graciously puts up with me. I am too afraid to ask. It's hard.

What Alex David said about Ps setting up situations as though you walked into them purposefully - the P I encountered did this so well it's the most devastating thing - I think I have blocked some of these incidents from my memory and I'm trying to remember them I just want to remember what happened so I can accept it and move on. All I remember is saying "you did this" - and he would say (very intimidating) "did what?" And I would feel devastated.

Thank you so much for your replies to my questions.