Aftermath: Surviving Psychopathy Foundation

Everyday I go i to a panic, or like I'm stuck. I can't do anything. It's like I can't move. I don't know what to do. I'm tears. I'm scared bc I have an 8 and 10 year old that have watched him go in and out of my house over and over blaming me for anythi g and everything. They watch me beg and beg, hold on to him so he can't go. Then calls me crazy for touching him. I know I'm all over the place here but my mind is a mess AGAIN. 2 weeks ago I came home and all his stuff was gone. I called asking where he was and he said I'm too dramatic, he is going home to Texas to his family. He then said why am I asking now bc if not spoken to him in 2 wks. This is contradictory to me. We had has a misunderstanding and I didn't want to argue so I was quiet. We did talk. It was Chanukah and each night i asked him to join us and we played games, the kids had opened for gifts. I just hadn't engaged in anything serious with him bc I didn't want to argue. I am trying to be strong. I don't know if he will ever be back. I don't feel ok. I'm so lost

To user Nicole16,

I know how you feel. Panic is a normal human reaction. What you need to do when you feel the panic coming on, just be aware of it. Tell yourself it will pass. It is very important to actively relax your body and breathe slowly. I'm a victim of a psychopathic father. What the person in your life is doing is what is often dubbed 'gaslighting'. He tells you one thing even though reality is something else. This is an effort to make you think you are imagining things or not remembering things correctly. The psychopath in my life intentionally gave me a disease and watched me become ill and even tried to convince me, my siblings and my mother that it wasn't real. I was treated thankfully. This happened in 2010 but I still get panic attacks today. When I feel the anxiety about to take over my body, I tell myself I will be OK, I sit down and breathe while thinking only of the present. Not the future, not fear and not the past. I just focus on letting the panic pass. Each time it happens to me, I imagine that it's just an annoying wind passing by that will eventually go somewhere else. Now, the panic attacks are so much shorter and they keep getting shorter. Do you have a job or hobbies that you really enjoy? If you do, focus on those and things that are important to you. Also, since you have children focusing on providing love and care to them whole also taking care of yourself. Instead of thinking about that psychopathic person, think of how you will guide your children positively so that they become people with integrity as they grow up. This person seems to have abandoned you. The reaction he is receiving from you (seeing you suffer, the sadness and despair, the begging) only contributes to his satisfaction. You have the power to end the cycle. Be strong and know you are never alone. I suffered tremendously through an insidious illness. I am here now. Don't sell yourself short. There is sweetness in strength and self-love. You aren't lost. If he does not return, he is doing you a favor. Think of the feelings you are experiencing now and when he was with you. From what you've shared, they do not seem positive. Protect yourself by not letting him control you emotionally. My father did this often. His efforts to put on a show as a great father allowed for attachment on my end but then he would erratically attack me, humiliate me in front of family, in public or he would go into a rage and tell me repeatedly I that I belonged in a "mental hospital". This continued even after I recovered from illness. When I finally confronted him about the illness just a few months ago he simply brushed it off and pretended not to know anything about it. When I showed him proof, all he said was 'sorry' and he walked away. He never exhibited violent behavior in the family but one night he went into a rage for no reason at all and ran towards me while kick a large and heavy trash an in my face. Naively I continued to be nice and courteous day after day. The rages, manipulation, lies, deception, gas lighting and more continued. At the end of 2017, I started to educate myself and finally decided I had to take a stand. I implemented zero contact. This has changed my life dramatically. I blocked his number and just completely cut off all contact. It is freeing. I'm happier. I don't know if this is something I would recommend for your situation but I do sincerely hope you stay strong and centered. You have more power than you think. I know you do. Happiness is always within reach. I wish you peace hopefully very, very soon.

There is a course that has helped me tremendously [Information has been removed. Please see Posting rule # 16. Moderator]

It is so helpful to understand the chemistry that makes you feel so overwhelmed and that you are not alone. It's not your fault and you can forgive yourself.

Nicole.....Breath!! You are NOT alone!! I've been there too!...for 20 years....every other week, until it became every other day! BUT.....I'm here to tell you a couple things. He will be back!! It is now March 1, 2018 and he is probably already back. And maybe gone again. He is a psychopath and he ENJOYS your suffering.
After going through the same treatment for 20 years I finally got the courage to THROW HIM OUT. Our daughter was 8 at the time. It's bad to have children with a psychopath (if he is not your children natural father....keep him away from yourself and the children!). Start putting away money. Talk to your parents....and anyone who will help you escape this COLD hearted, mean spirited person. He is going to BLAME YOU for everything.....and NONE of it is your fault! There is nothing you can do to change what is happening. Just get away from him! He will treat the next woman the same way.....it's not going to be her fault either!
I downloaded and read a book called "Psychopath Free". I did't know what was happening to me until I read that a book. I decided on the first page that I would underline everything I recognized and ended up underlining almost the whole book! SO......you are not alone! But only people who have had a personal relationship with them will really UNDERSTAND the insanity we have suffered.
Please don't let him come back. It only gets worse. All my best to you.