Aftermath: Surviving Psychopathy Foundation

People who come to this site are looking for answers to questions like:

What is a psychopath?

Is my loved one or associate a psychopath?

Does psychopathy explain this particular person’s abusive and hurtful behavior?

You may want to understand why a loved one or associate is so hurtful and abusive. Often people wonder if it is “normal” for someone to hurt and abuse others to such a degree.

We want to start by assuring you that pervasive hurtful and self-centered behavior is not the norm for humans. By pervasive we mean ever present and out of proportion to any good done. Most humans can love and cooperate. It is this loving and cooperative behavior that most defines us and has enabled us to achieve great things working together.

Unfortunately, a small percentage of humans have great difficulty loving and cooperating. Those researching psychopathy have traced this difficulty to abnormal brain function.

By studying psychopaths, researchers have learned about the parts of the brain that determine our ability to get along socially and to love.

Researchers studying psychopathy have also found out other things you should know:

1. Psychopathy is a spectrum; it is a cluster of signs and symptoms that may be different in different people.

2. Because psychopathy is a spectrum, it may be present to greater or lesser degrees.

3. The more symptoms of psychopathy a person has, the more disordered and harmful his/her behavior towards others becomes.

These findings have many important implications for you. First, stop trying to diagnose your loved one or associate. If you are being abused and you determine that your loved one has the symptoms of psychopathy, stop blaming yourself. Consider that the abuse in combination with the signs of psychopathy means you are likely in a relationship with someone who is dangerous to you.

The more signs and symptoms a person has the more dangerous he or she is likely to be. The slide show above contains a list of the traits that make up psychopathy. These traits have specific definitions and have been well-researched. For more about these traits from Dr. Robert Hare see This Charming Psychopath.

Many people feel an enormous sense of relief when they first discover that a loved one or associate may be psychopathic. The discovery helps them to stop blaming themselves for all the problems with the other person and with the relationship. That is what we hope the discovery will do for you.

Once you stop blaming yourself, consider that you may be in jeopardy. The more “without conscience,” self-centered and abusive the person is, the more dangerous they are likely to be to you. Consider that the harm done to others by psychopathic associates, friends, lovers and family members is more than physical. Psychopathic people harm others emotionally, psychologically, socially, legally, financially, spiritually and sexually.

Please consider that if your life has been touched by a psychopathic associate, friend, family member, or lover you may have been traumatized more than you know. We encourage you to seek professional help and to consider how best to limit any future harm.

For more discussion of psychopathy see these resources on the main site:

A Primer on Psychopathy — David S. Kosson, Ph.D. and Robert D. Hare, Ph.D.

What “Psychopath” Means: It is not quite what you may think — Scott O. Lilienfeld, Ph.D. and Hal Arkowitz, Ph.D.
Reproduced with permission. © 2007 Scientific American Inc. All Rights Reserved.

This Charming Psychopath: How to Spot Social Predators Before They Attack — Robert D. Hare, Ph.D.
Reproduced with permission. © 2007 Psychology Today All Rights Reserved.

A friend from primary school and I got back in touch a few months ago. We are in our 40s now. At primary school I felt close to him, very safe. We hung out together a few times in the last few months, nothing romantic, and then one night I told him how I had felt about him at school and that I still felt close to him. he said to me, ‘I’m evil,____, I’m not a nice person’. And he laughed.

I asked him what he meant and he told me that he was diagnosed as a psychopath. He told me about some of the things he has done. As a child he found a cat that had been hit by a car, was still alive but had a broken back. It was also pregnant. He cut the cat open, told me it was going to die anyway, so why not. he said when he was younger he would pick fights with random men and beat them up - he is very tall and physically imposing. He said he realised a long time ago that he didn’t have to tell the truth to get what he wants. He said he feels angry all the time, and dislikes and despises most people. He burns rodents alive. He is manipulative. He does not feel that ordinary rules and the law apply to him ...he sometimes drives at 3 times the speed limit and would have gotten arrested in the past for speeding and beating others but has connections, so feels immune. His arrogance, the true depth of it, when he reveals it, is beyond belief. He was extremely promiscuous in the past but is less so now. He also has a successful business, security, irony of ironies, which allows him expression of his propensity for violence.

I am horrified by some of the things he has done, to the point that I am afraid to ask some questions as I’m afraid of the answers. What also horrifies me is that despite everything he has told me, despite all I’ve seen, that feeling of connection is still there. I still talk to him. He now considers me his friend. He has a daughter whom he raised from very young when he realised her mother was not keeping her in a safe environment.

What I want to know is, is someone with psychopathy this severe capable of a healthy friendship, given that his way of thinking and being is so entrenched? He did not have to tell me these things about himself...he could have taken advantage of the situation and of me. I have challenged him on some of his actions and behaviour as they are offensive to me. I grew up with a father with narcissistic personality disorder and developed very strong boundaries in order to keep myself safe. To answer my own question, I suppose the friendship will end when my social and ethical values override whatever childhood connection we have, and when my responses to his behaviour become such an irritant for him that they override the gains he has from our friendship.

Any insights welcome.