The following question was sent to Aftermath via e-mail:
"Some victims of psychopaths take a long time to get over what has happened to them. Possibly years in some cases. I would like to know, what are the main things that hold a survivor back and prevent them from moving forward in their recovery from the traumatic experience with a psychopath?"
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Recovery Roadblocks: recovering from relationships with psychopaths
There are a variety of things that may slow a person's progress relating to recovery from a traumatic experience with a psychopath. The reasons I will highlight below are only a few.
One common recovery roadblock may be that the victims sometimes have trouble reconciling what was real and what was not real during their relationship with the psychopath. It helps to imagine life with a psychopathic individual as the ultimate lie. Psychopaths use other people to get what they want or need from them. In order to be able to do this effectively, they need to be able to become whatever it is their victims are looking for. Why else would the victim want to help them, give to them, or work with them? They need to form some sort of "attachment" in order to become close to the victims and gain trust. They have the ability to pretend to fill a need the victim has. Yet, they are able to do this without the victim's awareness. A non-psychopathic person usually believes that the psychopath is as emotionally invested as they are. The non-psychopathic individual may engage in everyday life thinking that he or she shares the same goals and desires as the psychopathic individual. A person may live according to this belief for many years. Eventually, this shatters.
That is not to say that life is free from problems with the psychopath. However, the non-psychopathic individual usually attributes any problems to common conflicts that people in relationships normally experience. When the relationship ends, the non-psychopathic individual may feel unsure or confused as to what actually happened. Although the relationship may have been nothing more than an illusion, many victims do not want to lose what they thought was a bond. In some instances, victims may have liked the illusion. Unfortunately, that is all it was.
This confusion can alter the victim's ability to cope effectively and successfully employ common recovery strategies. Since psychopaths tend to view those around them as objects to be used, once an individual's usefulness is exhausted, that person is typically discarded. This can also happen when the psychopath becomes bored. This also leaves the victim feeling unsure and useless. Not only is the victim now having to come to terms with not knowing what was or was not real, they have also been disposed of like yesterday's trash. It can be difficult for a victim to understand how another person can just walk away, as if no relationship had ever occurred. The victim may feel intense emotion and anger, while the psychopath feels next to nothing. This sense of disposability is painful and may leave the victims questioning their self worth. After all, how could anyone be so easy to leave? In reality, being "left," had little, if anything, to do with the individuals specifically. Their usefulness or novelty simply expired. This concept may be somewhat difficult to understand and once understood, difficult to accept.
Also, it is natural for people to want to talk things through, as they try to make sense of what is happening to them. If the victim chooses to talk to the psychopath, the psychopath may gain satisfaction from knowing their victim is in pain or turmoil. In turn, the psychopath may use the feelings the victim shares to inflict further trauma. The psychopath may tell the victim that what he or she is feeling is, in fact, wrong. This causes dissonance, as there is a difference between what one is feeling and hearing. Furthermore, as the victim seeks closure, it is not uncommon to look for their partner to accept some sort of responsibility for the failed relationship. When dealing with a psychopath, a victim will wait for that forever. Psychopaths do not take responsibility for their actions. They usually believe they were wronged. Typically, when a psychopath does admit "fault" or accepts "blame," it is to further manipulate the victim or make them look bad to others.
Another roadblock to recovery success, depending upon the type of traumatic relationship, is the possibility that gone does not necessarily mean forgotten. It is not uncommon for the psychopath to continue to torment the victim in spite of the fact that the pair has severed ties. Sometimes, it is worse for the victim if he or she is the one who chooses to leave the relationship before the psychopath is ready. This is not to say that anyone should remain in an abusive or toxic relationship of any kind. Relationships with psychopaths are doomed to fail, as psychopaths are not equipped to succeed in this fashion. When dealing with interpersonal relationships, the psychopath may spread lies or tell stories destroying the victim's credibility or reputation. Sometimes, the lies they tell take on lives of their own. In romantic relationships, the psychopath may manipulate the children, doling out gifts and support only as he sees fit, rather than what is court ordered or traditionally accepted. In corporate relationships, it is not uncommon for victims to no longer be able to hold jobs or work in their fields.
There is a lot to come to terms with when recovering from a relationship or repeated interaction with a psychopath, regardless of whether the experience is a romantic, platonic, or business in nature. Victims are often forced to accept significant loss. If the loss is "just" emotional, they are actually quite fortunate. Many victim's finances, other relationships, and careers fail to remain intact. While other marriages or business partnerships may end, ending a connection with a psychopath can bring some unique challenges. These challenges are typically not ones most are equipped to deal with or understand. The psychopathic individual tends to leave the non-psychopathic individual "swimming upstream," forcing them to abandon all they learned about interpersonal communication and interaction, making the recovery quite unique and difficult. Unfortunately, this is just a sampling of what can slow recovery. The good news is that recovery is possible, as impossible as that sometimes may seem!
Linda Hartoonian-Almas
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